


Cullens and Van Helsing

by Girlfromthemojave



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types, Van Helsing (TV 2016)
Genre: Crack Fic, Grab a tissue, So much crack its illegal, Swearing, This is like 6 years old, This probably would make columbian cartels come after because so much crack, dear god what was i thinking, i was young when i worte this, so much crack call the DEA
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-08
Updated: 2017-04-08
Packaged: 2018-10-16 13:46:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10572534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Girlfromthemojave/pseuds/Girlfromthemojave
Summary: The cullens have a runin with a vampire slayer...Alice and bella go at it and Edward makes an unexpected declaration..Honestly this is a product of a 13 year old kid....I'm not sure if this even legal to post because of how much crack it is





	

**Author's Note:**

> I will never understand what possessed me to write this...

**Chapter 1: The start of things The Cullens and Dr. Van Helsing (part 1 of 3)**

Alice and Bella are fighting over something really stupid.

Bella: God Alice you such a fucking bitch to me all the time!

Alice: I am not! You're the one with PMS! I hate that you're such a whore to me all the time!

Bella: If I am a whore then you're a FAT lazy bitch! You're so FAT that when you got your weight checked, the scale said: I want your weight not your phone number!

Alice: I am going to kill you Bella!

*Alice chase Bella with a knife through the house and when They get into the attic and Alice corners Bella, Van Helsing burst through the window and tries to stab Alice with a wooden stake, but misses and hits the blow up doll. Emmett randomly appears and grieves about the blow up doll.*

Alice: Ha, ha, ha! You can not kill me for I am a ninja!

*Suddenly Alice gets head in the back of the head with a Smirnoff bottle.*

Bella: She was saying? Van Helsing: Good working rookie! Now we must dispose of body! *

Suddenly Alice grabs Bella's ankle and tries to brake it, but she is staked and Jasper runs up into the attic and tries to save Alice, but once again his fat ass is late. See that he is too late to save her he sobs and looks at Bella and bitchslaps her.*

Jasper: I hate you! Bella: Now you know how I feel! Jasper: Why are you being so mean to me? Stop yelling at me! (Starts to get emotional)

Van Helsing: God! A emotional vampire! How pathetic…

**The Cullens and van Helsing Part 2 of 3**

*As our story goes on, Jasper and Bella are in the middle of a bitchslaping contest and Jasper ends up winning, and Bella is the Loser:'(*

Jasper: Like oh my god! I won! Yeah for me!

Bella: Hey Jasper can you do me a favor?

Jasper: Yeah sure what is it?

Bella: Shut the hell up! God you're fucking annoying! I hate you so much.

Jasper: Don't hate the player, hate the game.

Bella: I still hate you! Jasper: Haters getting mad, cuz I got me some bacon eggs!

*Bella just shakes her sadly at the now gay and pathetic thing of a vampire*

Van Helsing: Now can I kill him? Edward: Jasper! There's something I need to tell you!

Jasper: What is it Edward?

Edward: I love you Jasper!

Van Helsing/Bella: He's gay?!


End file.
